1 00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,897 Life--it's literally all we have. 2 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:11,900 But is it any good? 3 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,270 I'm a reviewer, 4 00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:14,267 but I don't review 5 00:00:14,367 --> 00:00:15,927 food, books, or movies. 6 00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:18,003 I review life itself. 7 00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:19,600 [screams] 8 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,530 [triumphant music] 9 00:00:21,633 --> 00:00:23,233 [parrot squawks] 10 00:00:23,333 --> 00:00:26,773 * 11 00:00:26,867 --> 00:00:28,067 Over here. 12 00:00:28,167 --> 00:00:32,097 * 13 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,097 Hello, and welcome to Review. 14 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,170 I'm Forrest MacNeil, your intrepid lifeonaut 15 00:00:39,267 --> 00:00:41,397 and, at mission control, as always, 16 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,730 is A.J. Gibbs. 17 00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:45,003 A.J. what adventure awaits? 18 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,530 Me pressing a button. 19 00:00:46,633 --> 00:00:48,703 Right. Yes, but I was talking about 20 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,270 what adventure awaits me? 21 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:51,727 Oh, well, my adventure comes first. 22 00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:53,333 Fine. 23 00:00:53,433 --> 00:00:57,033 Your first review comes from Vicksburg, Mississippi. 24 00:00:57,133 --> 00:01:00,273 Forrest, our son James recently came out as a homosexual. 25 00:01:00,367 --> 00:01:03,227 We want to be supportive, but we just don't understand. 26 00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:04,903 Maybe if we had a better sense of what 27 00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:06,467 he's thinking and feeling, 28 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,767 we might have a better idea of how to cure him. 29 00:01:08,867 --> 00:01:11,397 Which is an experience we both dream of having. 30 00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:14,700 What's it like to cure a gay person? 31 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,070 Ah-ha. Curing a gay person 32 00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:20,127 of being a gay person. 33 00:01:20,233 --> 00:01:23,333 Oh, Forrest, you're gonna use one of your vetoes right? 34 00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:26,403 [dramatic music] 35 00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:29,170 [clears throat] I am, uh, permitted 36 00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:31,397 to deploy two vetoes this season, 37 00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:33,530 but it's my job to decide when to do that 38 00:01:33,633 --> 00:01:35,303 and, uh-- 39 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,530 No. No. I do not think that now is the time. No. 40 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:42,503 Well, I'm off to, uh... 41 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,070 I'm off to cure a gay person. 42 00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,900 [whimsical music] 43 00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:50,227 (Forrest) Gay people have existed since people have existed. 44 00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:53,733 And, yet, in all that time I have never closely considered 45 00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:57,203 who they are or why they might need curing. 46 00:01:57,300 --> 00:02:00,470 I chose to begin my review with a fact-finding mission 47 00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:03,067 to the gay sex shop nearest my dad's house. 48 00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:05,067 Who is that man? 49 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:08,297 (Forrest) While there I was confronted by a big realization. 50 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,470 - Mystified. (Forrest) It was so enormous 51 00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:12,967 I suddenly wondered if this review was even possible 52 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:15,797 and I knew I had to consult my producer Grant. 53 00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:18,070 Completely mystifying. 54 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,530 Have you ever looked closely 55 00:02:20,633 --> 00:02:23,673 at a man's flaccid penis? 56 00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,327 It looks like something that belongs 57 00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:27,803 on the lightless ocean floor 58 00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:31,130 and what if, when a gay man looks at a woman's 59 00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:32,933 beautiful breasts, he feels the same way. 60 00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:36,297 That they're like sea blobs with nipples on them. 61 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,530 I mean, if that's what a gay man sees 62 00:02:38,633 --> 00:02:40,133 when he looks at a pair of breasts, 63 00:02:40,233 --> 00:02:41,803 how am I supposed to change that? 64 00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,470 - It's impossible. - Exactly. 65 00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:45,297 What am I supposed to do? 66 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,470 Well, life is a parade of people doing impossible things. 67 00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:52,297 - Wha-- - Hey, when you quit this show 68 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,430 to go after your ex-wife and she said it was too late 69 00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:56,433 - and she rejected you... - Yeah. 70 00:02:56,533 --> 00:02:58,273 You vanished from the face of the earth 71 00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:01,527 until a dog found you sleeping in a crawl space 72 00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:03,773 - under a church. - Yeah, it was a Rottweiler. 73 00:03:03,867 --> 00:03:06,097 But what if I had told you back then 74 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,070 that in less than a year you would turn it all around. 75 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,670 You'd have your old job back, 76 00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,097 you'd be dating a great coma nurse. 77 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,970 Oh, well, eh, no, she and I broke up. 78 00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,467 Yeah, well, that is exactly my point. 79 00:03:15,567 --> 00:03:16,767 Because you don't need her anymore 80 00:03:16,867 --> 00:03:18,227 because you're back out there, 81 00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:20,233 you're living a brand-new life. 82 00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:22,403 So, if you can jump-start a brand-new life, 83 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,500 why do you think a gay person can't? 84 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,970 - Hmm. - Are you so homophobic 85 00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:32,067 that you don't think a gay man can do what you do 86 00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:34,500 just because he's gay? 87 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,830 No. Definitely gay men can do everything I can do 88 00:03:39,933 --> 00:03:41,733 and probably a lot better. 89 00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,433 - Thank you for that. - You get out there. 90 00:03:43,533 --> 00:03:45,803 - Yeah. - All right. 91 00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:48,930 (Forrest) Grant had given me a powerful way into this review. 92 00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:51,827 If I can get over my ex-wife, then a gay person 93 00:03:51,933 --> 00:03:53,803 can surely get over being gay. 94 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,470 And if a gay person can't get over being gay, 95 00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:58,967 maybe I can't get over my ex-wife. 96 00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:01,497 But I can, and I did, 97 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,400 and so can a gay person. 98 00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:06,570 I am a big fan of gays and the whole gay lifestyle, 99 00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,797 but if you're tired of it, give me a call, all right? 100 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,870 I'll straighten you out. 101 00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:13,427 (Forrest) I distributed hundreds of brightly-colored fliers, 102 00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,573 but received just a single response 103 00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,927 from a young man who called himself Tim. 104 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:22,127 Tim was a gay man who did not want to be a gay man. 105 00:04:22,233 --> 00:04:26,203 Unlucky for him, but a very lucky break for this review. 106 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,700 My mom won't talk to me 107 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,300 and my dad thinks I'm going to hell. 108 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,900 You know, it gets me wondering that maybe 109 00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:35,227 God made me so depressed to punish me. 110 00:04:35,333 --> 00:04:36,873 You know, Tim, I was once like you. 111 00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:38,527 I knew it. I knew it. 112 00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:41,073 Oh, no, no. I was never a homosexual. 113 00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:43,967 Nor was I ever attracted to men sexually. 114 00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:46,097 But I was once attracted to someone 115 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,130 that I should not have been attracted to. 116 00:04:48,233 --> 00:04:51,373 I'm talking about my ex-wife, Suzanne. 117 00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:54,297 And I was able to overcome my love for her, 118 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,130 you, Tim, will be able to overcome 119 00:04:57,233 --> 00:04:58,873 your unwanted love, too, 120 00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:00,197 but you have to be willing to do it. 121 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,170 - Are you willing to do it? - Yes. 122 00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:04,467 - Are you willing to work hard? - Yes, I'll work hard. 123 00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,127 Do you believe that we can do this together? 124 00:05:06,233 --> 00:05:08,073 Yes, I believe you, Forrest. 125 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,170 Okay. 126 00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,097 How? 127 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,600 How what? 128 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,530 (Forrest) I, of course, had no idea, 129 00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:18,833 but I did know that learning to un-love Suzanne 130 00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:20,403 had been traumatic. 131 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:23,200 To spare Tim the same fate I turned to an expert 132 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,070 who definitely knew what he was doing 133 00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:27,267 because he was once a gay man himself. 134 00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:29,927 - I was a gay man myself once. (Forrest) Oh, okay. 135 00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:32,727 (Dr. Arnold) The disease of homosexuality is rooted 136 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,203 in the lack of masculine affection 137 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:35,700 in a young man's life. 138 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,200 As a therapist, you must offer that affection 139 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,900 in order to make his homosexuality go away. 140 00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:43,867 Just as my loving therapist did for me. 141 00:05:43,967 --> 00:05:45,597 Dashing man. 142 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,600 Yeah. Well, how did he do that? 143 00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:50,100 (Forrest) The technique was called Holding. 144 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,770 And while it may not be supported by traditional science, 145 00:05:52,867 --> 00:05:55,067 it was Dr. Arnold's signature move. 146 00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:59,067 The idea was that by seating himself on my fully-clothed lap, 147 00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:01,667 Tim would lose the desire to sit on another man's 148 00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,667 less fully-clothed lap. 149 00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:06,667 [whimsical music] 150 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,097 * 151 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,730 So, how you feeling? 152 00:06:10,833 --> 00:06:14,333 Um, just maybe wanted to talk to you about cologne. 153 00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:17,673 Try to stay focused, Tim. Just open your mind 154 00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:20,227 and tell me how you feel. 155 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:22,703 Just maybe thinking about cologne and mouthwash. 156 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,670 Shh. 157 00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,967 [alarm beeps] - Oh, ah! 158 00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:29,227 Okay, that's an hour. [laughs] 159 00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:32,503 (Forrest) Holding, while cumbersome at first, 160 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,500 soon became an accepted part of life at my dad's house. 161 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,070 * 162 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,300 After five days with Tim on my lap, 163 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,570 I decided it was time to put my subject, 164 00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:46,067 and Dr. Arnold's technique, to the test. 165 00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:50,197 Tell me, please, what this makes you feel. 166 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:53,530 Oh, it makes me feel... 167 00:06:53,633 --> 00:06:56,203 very attracted to that man. [groans] 168 00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:58,300 (Forrest) The power of unwanted love is strong. 169 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,630 - Wow. (Forrest) As I myself understood 170 00:07:00,733 --> 00:07:03,533 all too well we would need to try harder. 171 00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:05,273 Put that down. 172 00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:08,867 I don't think it's gonna be helpful to look at that. 173 00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:10,067 So if the hugging doesn't work, 174 00:07:10,133 --> 00:07:11,603 I mean, is there something else? 175 00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,300 I mean, there's gotta be something else, right? 176 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,330 - He's a tough nut. - Really tough. Really tough. 177 00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:15,803 Here's what I recommend. 178 00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,330 Okay, this is called syrup of ipecac 179 00:07:17,433 --> 00:07:19,273 and it's gonna make you feel very, very nauseous. 180 00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:21,097 (Forrest) Dr. Arnold had a lot more ideas 181 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,700 for turning a gay man straight. 182 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,630 You're going to associate naked men 183 00:07:24,733 --> 00:07:26,833 and their penises with this feeling. 184 00:07:26,933 --> 00:07:28,373 (Forrest) Some of them were disgusting. 185 00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,167 - [retching] - He is making you feel sick. 186 00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:31,767 - You made me sick. - No, I didn't make you sick. 187 00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:34,367 - He did by being so sexy. - You made me sick. 188 00:07:34,467 --> 00:07:36,067 (Forrest) Others were surprisingly athletic. 189 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,800 - Get the anger out. - Oh, God. 190 00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:39,930 The bed is Satan. Satan made you gay. 191 00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:42,567 Why'd you make me gay, stupid bastard? 192 00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,227 - Okay, okay. - [screams] 193 00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:47,073 Oh, Tim, sorry, this is my bed. I do have to sleep here. 194 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,733 (Forrest) But the results were always the same. 195 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,373 - You feel any less gay? - [sighs] 196 00:07:51,467 --> 00:07:53,497 No. No. 197 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,270 (Forrest) I began to fear that I would spend the rest of my life 198 00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,727 trying to fulfill this one review. 199 00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:01,903 It was time to try my own ideas. 200 00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:03,397 [techno music] 201 00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,600 I needed to offer Tim a good alternative 202 00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:07,230 to homosexuality. 203 00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:09,433 I chose heterosexuality 204 00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:12,173 and introduced him to the allure of women. 205 00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:15,097 * 206 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,100 I'm sorry, I just need like a little space here. 207 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,900 Forrest, I don't think I can do this. Okay? 208 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,567 Just focus on the pleasurable aspects of it. 209 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,467 - What's pleasurable about it? - I just feel bad. 210 00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:25,497 - Do you want to change, or not? - Yeah, I wanna change. 211 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,300 - You do wanna change? - I wanna change, I'm trying. 212 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,630 Listen, I'm just gonna wait-- He doesn't want it. 213 00:08:28,733 --> 00:08:29,673 Don't go anywhere. Don't go anywhere. 214 00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,667 It may seem impossible to you, 215 00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:33,467 but the impossible is possible. 216 00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:35,067 I got over my ex-wife, 217 00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:36,767 you can get over your ex-sex. 218 00:08:36,867 --> 00:08:39,097 - You gotta believe that. - Well, you talk about her-- 219 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,300 - You can do it. Okay? - Okay, I'll--I'll-- 220 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,570 - Okay. - I need to get a drink, though. 221 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,227 - All right? - That's fine. 222 00:08:44,333 --> 00:08:45,303 (woman) Yeah, yeah. - Yes, I would love a drink. 223 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,570 If they have a Pinot Grigio 224 00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:49,127 - that looks good... - Okay... 225 00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:51,673 You paid for the dance, do you want the rest? 226 00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:53,697 - I didn't catch your name. - Shampoo. 227 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,170 Shampoo. Hi, Shampoo. 228 00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:56,397 - 'Cause you're dirty. - Ooh. 229 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:57,800 And you need to be cleaned. 230 00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,400 (Forrest) Our evening was going very well 231 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:00,970 and it was time to take things 232 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:03,267 to the next logical heterosexual step. 233 00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:04,727 I don't want to be too forward, 234 00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,933 but, uh, maybe... 235 00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:09,267 - after you get off work... - Yeah? 236 00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:11,367 You and one of your colleagues might like to join 237 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,567 my friend and myself for a drink. 238 00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:15,067 [laughter] 239 00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:17,473 Well, we are hanging out with some pretty, gorgeous 240 00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:20,067 ladies in my opinion. Wouldn't you agree? 241 00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:21,473 - Yeah. - Thank you. 242 00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:23,967 So much more attractive than men. Both of you are. 243 00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:25,627 I cannot believe that you are both single. 244 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,533 - That's incredible to me. - Well, my boyfriend 245 00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:29,373 just broke up with me 'cause he can't handle 246 00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,597 - what I do for a living. - Are you kidding me? 247 00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:34,070 You know, my wife left me for the exact same reason. 248 00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:35,627 You and I have a lot in common. 249 00:09:35,733 --> 00:09:37,233 - We really do. - We do. 250 00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:38,703 But we don't have too much in common, Tim. 251 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,100 Tim. She and I don't have too much in common. 252 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,100 - You know what I'm saying? - Uh, yeah. 253 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,730 We have different genitals. 254 00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:46,073 (Forrest) Distracted as I was 255 00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:48,127 by Shampoo's beguiling charms 256 00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:50,803 I did not notice that Tim had snuck off 257 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:53,600 with Trinity. A troubling development. 258 00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,600 The patient was out of my care. 259 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:58,230 Hey, where did they go? Where did they go? 260 00:09:58,333 --> 00:10:02,073 (Forrest) I would not find out until our meeting the following day. 261 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:05,127 Hi. Tim, what happened to you last night? 262 00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:06,973 I turn around and you and Trinity were gone. 263 00:10:07,067 --> 00:10:08,727 I'm texting you all night long. You didn't get back to me. 264 00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,573 - [stammers] - Oh, well, Trinity 265 00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,267 took me out to this bar called Dick Town 266 00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:14,097 and we talked for a long time. 267 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,400 You and Trinity went out to a bar? 268 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,200 Yeah, we did. Called Dick Town. 269 00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,530 - Okay. - And, uh, a guy came over 270 00:10:19,633 --> 00:10:22,303 and, uh, his name was Pete. 271 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,600 Uh-huh. Then what? 272 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,070 We just stayed there the whole night. 273 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,527 Danced, and, oh, my God. Burned the place down. 274 00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:30,933 - [laughs] - Anything else go on? 275 00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:34,967 Uh, yeah, I don't know how to put this, 276 00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,927 but I feel like I had a breakthrough last night. 277 00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:39,773 (Forrest, voice over) I could not have been happier for Tim. 278 00:10:39,867 --> 00:10:43,597 It was very clear to me that he and Trinity the stripper 279 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,130 had fallen in hetero love. 280 00:10:46,233 --> 00:10:48,033 So let me ask you this... 281 00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:51,803 Do you still feel haunted by any homosexual urges? 282 00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:55,633 Haunted...I-- 283 00:10:55,733 --> 00:10:57,603 I would say I am-- I'm not. 284 00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,130 I'm not haunted anymore. I feel great. Really. 285 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,830 I did it. [laughs] 286 00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:06,103 - I really did it. - Uh, what? 287 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,600 I cured you. 288 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,230 I-- 289 00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:11,103 And they said it was impossible. 290 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,270 Well, good luck getting over your ex-wife. 291 00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:14,897 That's super hard I know, so... 292 00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:16,227 Nope, I already did that, but thank you. 293 00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:18,073 Oh, and speaking of which, you know, maybe 294 00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:20,567 one of these days you, me, and Shampoo, and Trinity 295 00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:21,767 should all go out on a double date. 296 00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:23,397 Pete, too. [chuckles] 297 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:27,170 - Who's Pete? - Pete? The guy I met yesterday. 298 00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:28,267 He's really sweet, super-understanding. 299 00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:29,497 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God. 300 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,200 - Yeah. - I thank you so much. 301 00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:33,430 I really appreciate it. I'm gonna head out, okay? 302 00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:34,703 - Okay, great. - Yeah. 303 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,330 - Enjoy your new life. - I will. 304 00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:38,173 (Forrest, voice-over) In the end, curing a gay person 305 00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:41,567 was indeed every bit as possible as getting over my ex-wife. 306 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,327 It's about something good happened to you. 307 00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:46,273 - This is on the house. - [chuckles] 308 00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:48,767 - What is it? - Coconut cream pie. 309 00:11:48,867 --> 00:11:51,267 (Forrest, voice-over) And who can really say that either thing was wrong 310 00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:55,167 when Tim and I are clearly so very happy? 311 00:11:55,267 --> 00:11:57,327 To be clear, I have no problem 312 00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,233 with anyone's sexual orientation. 313 00:11:59,333 --> 00:12:01,973 What I do have a problem with, is giving up. 314 00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:04,067 I don't care whether you're gay or straight, 315 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,800 if you're sick of it, change it. 316 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:09,370 It was inspiring to help Tim find a way to love someone new 317 00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:11,367 and I am happy to say that in the process, 318 00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,967 I found someone special myself. Shampoo. 319 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,297 We are now a couple. [laughs] 320 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,870 So I give curing a gay two beautiful stars 321 00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:21,167 who belong together. 322 00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:27,227 The next request comes from Jerry in Portland, Maine. 323 00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:29,203 - Mm-hmm. - Jerry writes: 324 00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:36,803 Oh, my goodness. 325 00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,500 The Mile High Club. Well, I know what that is. 326 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,400 - Oh, my yes. - I'm off to have sex 327 00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:42,870 on an airplane. 328 00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:44,797 Gee, wiz. 329 00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:46,270 Oh, boy. 330 00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,767 You're one of those guys that carries a condom 331 00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:51,397 wherever you go, huh? 332 00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:57,070 Ugh. 333 00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:58,633 (Forrest, voice-over] I have been flying to San Francisco monthly 334 00:12:58,733 --> 00:13:00,903 to pick up my son Eric for our weekends together. 335 00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,597 It seemed natural that I would invite 336 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,700 my new lady-friend Shampoo to join me on my next trip 337 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:10,300 and voila: membership in the Mile High Club. 338 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,400 I'm really excited to meet your son. 339 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:16,930 Yeah. 340 00:13:17,067 --> 00:13:19,067 - I really like kids. - Mmm. 341 00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:21,100 Hey, look... 342 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,900 now that we are... one mile up in the air, 343 00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:28,727 do you want to, uh... [clicks tongue] 344 00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:30,933 - [laughs] - What? 345 00:13:31,067 --> 00:13:34,067 [whispers] Let's go have sex in the bathroom. 346 00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,897 [whispers] I'm not gonna have sex in the bathroom. 347 00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,727 - Why not? - It's gross. 348 00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:40,073 - What's gross about it? - People are [bleep] in there. 349 00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,770 Oh, come on. This is a short flight, 350 00:13:41,867 --> 00:13:44,067 I don't think anybody is pooping on the way 351 00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,130 up to San Francisco. 352 00:13:46,233 --> 00:13:49,073 - Come on. - Is that why you invited me? 353 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:52,070 - No. - Because I'm a stripper... 354 00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:54,497 So I'd be up for that? Right? 355 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,900 - No. - Gross. 356 00:13:58,067 --> 00:13:59,567 Everybody on this plane likes to have sex. 357 00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:02,227 (Shampoo) You know what? If it was all about sex for me, 358 00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:05,103 I would have found somebody a lot hotter! 359 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,370 That is one of the rudest things 360 00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:14,627 that anyone has ever said to me. 361 00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:17,103 [scoffs] 362 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,430 [crying] I thought you were different. 363 00:14:18,533 --> 00:14:21,433 I thought maybe for once I met a nice guy. 364 00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:25,267 I'm gonna give you some space. 365 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,597 (Forrest, voice-over) Rather than turned on by the idea of sex 366 00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,530 in an airplane bathroom, Shampoo-- 367 00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:35,273 a professional clothes remover, seemed stunned. 368 00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:37,767 My trip to the Mile High Club with her was, 369 00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:41,067 as they say in the travel business, cancelled. 370 00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:43,303 I would need to find someone on this flight 371 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,430 more sexually adventurous than a stripper. 372 00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:49,333 And just when all seemed lost... 373 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,600 Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Sorry to bother you. 374 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,730 Can I switch seats with you by any chance? 375 00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:00,633 (man) What? - I'm in 23D. 376 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,433 Just right up there. Thank you very--ah, thank you. 377 00:15:02,533 --> 00:15:03,803 - Yeah, that's great. - Ass[bleep]. 378 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,600 Thank you so much. It is middle seat. 379 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:08,700 (Forrest, voice-over) After pouring out every ounce 380 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,330 of available charm on to this woman Beth, 381 00:15:11,433 --> 00:15:13,933 I was clearly, incredibly enough, 382 00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:16,427 being considered for admission into the club. 383 00:15:16,533 --> 00:15:18,073 - Yes, exactly. - [laughs] 384 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,770 You can go into space without being an astronaut. 385 00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:21,427 (Captain) We have begun our initial descent 386 00:15:21,533 --> 00:15:23,373 into San Francisco International Airport. 387 00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:25,097 Please return to your seats and make sure 388 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,730 your seatbelts are securely fastened. 389 00:15:27,833 --> 00:15:29,833 Hey, Beth... 390 00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:32,833 This is gonna sound crazy. 391 00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:35,673 [whispers] I wanna have sex with you right now. 392 00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,597 [laughs] 393 00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:41,070 - Right now? - Yeah, right now. 394 00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:42,730 Let's just follow this moment. 395 00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:45,703 Did you feel it? 396 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,100 - Yeah, I did. - I knew it. 397 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,330 Okay, so, will you sneak to the bathroom 398 00:15:51,433 --> 00:15:52,673 with me right now and have sex? 399 00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:55,227 - So, we gonna [bleep]? - Yeah. 400 00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:56,673 [pings] 401 00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,097 It's just the seatbelt light's on. 402 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,270 - Yeah, so? - When we get to the airport 403 00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,597 take a cab to the closest hotel. 404 00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:05,170 Listen, I can't wait that long. 405 00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,167 Okay, we'll find a place in the airport. 406 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,897 No, I can't wait that long, either. 407 00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,967 - No, seriously... - No, it's super dangerous. 408 00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:13,167 No, it's not that dangerous. 409 00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:14,897 (Forrest, voice-over) Beth could obviously disregard 410 00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:17,627 many of societies guidelines for how to behave, 411 00:16:17,733 --> 00:16:19,903 but not, for some reason, the seatbelt sign. 412 00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:21,367 I don't wanna do it in an airport bathroom. 413 00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:23,497 I wanna do it in an airplane bathroom. 414 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,130 - Seriously. - Yeah, but the seatbelt sign 415 00:16:25,233 --> 00:16:26,703 - is on-- - Who cares about the sign? 416 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,730 - Seriously? - Let's go to a nice hotel. 417 00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:30,873 No, thank you. 418 00:16:30,967 --> 00:16:32,827 Oh, my God. 419 00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:35,467 Oh, hey, what about another flight? 420 00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:38,327 No, don't touch me! Okay? 421 00:16:38,433 --> 00:16:40,373 (Forrest, voice-over) My failure to join the Mile High Club 422 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:43,067 was dispiriting, but I eager to try again 423 00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:44,967 on that afternoon's return trip. 424 00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,327 First, I'd need to pick up my traveling companion 425 00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:49,073 my 12-year-old son Eric. 426 00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:50,627 - Why hello. - Hi, Forrest. 427 00:16:50,733 --> 00:16:52,373 - How are you? - I'm good. I'm good. 428 00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:53,627 - Good, good. - Are you fe-- 429 00:16:53,733 --> 00:16:55,803 - you feeling better and... - Yeah. 430 00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,370 You know, they got all the bullets out. 431 00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,227 - That's good. - Uh, yeah. 432 00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:01,073 Oh, Suzanne, this is Shampoo. 433 00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:02,597 Shampoo, Suzanne. 434 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:03,930 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 435 00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,697 Yes, this is my girlfriend. 436 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,130 - Oh. - Ex-girlfriend. 437 00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:11,333 Okay. Are you sure that it's okay for me 438 00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:13,603 to send Eric with you guys? 439 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,600 Yeah. What do you mean? 440 00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,600 Uh, just, you know, you're required to have 441 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,870 a safe and stable environment, 442 00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,767 - so I didn't know if-- - That's what I have. 443 00:17:21,867 --> 00:17:22,967 - A safe and stable environment. - What you and Shampoo 444 00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:24,327 had cooked up for the weekend. 445 00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:26,133 Please bring him out here. Eric and I, 446 00:17:26,233 --> 00:17:27,973 and possibly Shampoo, are gonna have a wonderful weekend 447 00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,627 - together. - Eric, come on down. 448 00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:30,933 Your dad's here. 449 00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,127 What do you mean my ex-girlfriend? 450 00:17:32,233 --> 00:17:33,273 What's that about? 451 00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,127 - Hey, hey. There he is. - Hey. 452 00:17:35,233 --> 00:17:36,803 How's it going? Nice to see you. 453 00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:38,870 Okay, well, uh, text me, honey. 454 00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:41,667 It will not be necessary for any texting to occur. 455 00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,867 I'm taking away your texter. All right, good. 456 00:17:43,967 --> 00:17:44,867 Are you going to introduce me? 457 00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:46,167 What? Oh, sorry. 458 00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:47,867 Uh, Eric, this is Shampoo. 459 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,697 - Hi. - Hey. 460 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,800 (Forrest) Status unclear. 461 00:17:55,733 --> 00:17:57,633 You guys are not boyfriend, girlfriend? 462 00:17:57,733 --> 00:18:00,403 We were, but on the flight up here your dad 463 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,070 sent some weirdo to sit with me, 464 00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:03,527 so he could pick up another woman. 465 00:18:03,633 --> 00:18:05,773 Okay, that's enough gossip, please. Thank you. 466 00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:07,797 (Forrest, voice-over) Shampoo and I had apparently broken up, 467 00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,800 but I still had a job to do. 468 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:12,070 I had to find someone who I was certain 469 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,073 would not reject my advances. 470 00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:16,203 Oh, I see an old friend. I'm just gonna pull over here 471 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:17,770 real quick and, uh, 472 00:18:17,867 --> 00:18:20,097 say hello to an old friend. 473 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,770 I'll be right back. 474 00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:26,597 - Oh, hi, there. - Hi, baby. 475 00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:28,600 What's he doing? 476 00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,430 Looks like your dad is picking up a street whore. 477 00:18:31,533 --> 00:18:34,973 I've been a prostitute for eight years. 478 00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,467 - Eight years? - Mm-hmm. 479 00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,267 - I guess you love your work. - Yeah, baby. 480 00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:41,797 I am definitely looking forward to this. 481 00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,530 - Oh, you're gonna love it. - Yeah. 482 00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:45,273 (Forrest, voice-over) My Mile High Club membership 483 00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:47,297 - was finally on track. - [pings] 484 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,630 (woman) The captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign. 485 00:18:49,733 --> 00:18:52,933 (Forrest, voice-over) But then I hit some bizarre and unexpected turbulence. 486 00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:56,097 - How much is he paying you? - $200 plus the ticket. 487 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,270 I'll give you $300 if I can go first. 488 00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:00,197 Oh, sorry, excuse me. Just mind your own business. 489 00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:02,300 - Thank you. - Uh, sold. 490 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,600 (Forrest, voice-over) Incredibly enough I had stumbled onto a flight 491 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:07,770 full of recovering sex addicts on an immersion therapy trip 492 00:19:07,867 --> 00:19:10,497 - to a Tijuana brothel. - $350 if I get to go first. 493 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,200 - Yup, come on. - What? 494 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:16,070 $400 plus 10,000 frequent flier miles. 495 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,430 (Forrest, voice-over) And the line for immersion was long. 496 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,173 Take note, this is apparently 497 00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:22,827 one of the things that can happen 498 00:19:22,933 --> 00:19:25,203 when you are so determined to have sex on an airplane 499 00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:28,070 then you hire a prostitute to travel with you. 500 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,830 This extraordinary, and horrifying, development 501 00:19:30,933 --> 00:19:33,603 led to a truly disgusting turn of events. 502 00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:36,270 Though my prostitute, Margaret, did earn enough money 503 00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,167 to self-publish her book of poetry. 504 00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:40,867 - Finally. - [pings] 505 00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,067 (man) The captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign. 506 00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:44,327 (Forrest) What are you doing? 507 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,403 - We gotta sit down. - What? Why? 508 00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,700 You can't be standing when the seatbelt light is on. 509 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,100 No, no, no, no. You gotta be kidding me. 510 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,830 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 511 00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:53,433 This is gonna take, like, one or two minutes. Please. 512 00:19:53,533 --> 00:19:55,833 - We gotta go back there. - No. No. 513 00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,433 I have to join the Mile High Club right now. 514 00:19:57,533 --> 00:20:00,533 Well, okay, but I have to have my seatbelt on. 515 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,003 It's okay. Listen, here. 516 00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:05,370 Put the little blanket on. 517 00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:06,927 And do it right here in the seat? 518 00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,933 - Yeah. (man) Flight Attendants will be 519 00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,673 coming through the cabin to collect any remaining 520 00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:13,067 - service items. - Uh, you better hurry. 521 00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,267 Yeah, okay, fine. 522 00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:17,367 [metal jingles, zipper unzips] 523 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,897 (Forrest, voice-over) I was, eventually, allowed entry 524 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,230 into the Mile High Club, but so what? 525 00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,903 As it turned out any idiot was free to join. 526 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,100 I learned that I prefer my sexual encounters 527 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,070 to be both free and free of spectators. 528 00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:31,697 [sighs] 529 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,270 [cries] 530 00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:36,197 I also learned the only belt I want to unbuckle 531 00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,270 to have sex is my pant's belt. 532 00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:41,567 And, perhaps also, my heart's belt. 533 00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,997 No matter how scary the turbulence. 534 00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:47,200 Joining the Mile High Club, three stars. 535 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,500 I can't believe it didn't work out 536 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,170 between you and shampoo. 537 00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:54,827 I mean, you treated her horribly, 538 00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:57,103 but who knew she'd have so much self-respect? 539 00:20:59,433 --> 00:21:01,833 There was no way of editing that... 540 00:21:01,933 --> 00:21:03,833 that didn't make it seem horrifying. 541 00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:05,073 - That's really gross. - Yeah. 542 00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:08,167 [triumphant music]